Entry 3 – 2:18am

Contemplating my butterfly-stealing actions. Wondering if I continue to hurt those in my path.

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I sat on my bed with a belly filled with butterflies. i was excited about a certain prospect. However, beneath all the butterflies lay the depths of my despair. I feel like I will be hurting two people now with my actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting people? I love him so much, but he left and he is looking at other people, constantly telling me that he’s there for me when he is the one that left. I don’t understand. Well, I do for the most part, I did hurt him. I deserve all I get, but my heart belongs to him and as selfish and as clingy as this sounds, he is mine.

To get back at the fact that he was seeing other people, and yes I am turning into one of those girls I absolutely hate. The ones who seek revenge. However, I am not seeking revenge. I just want to be on equal ground with him despite his thoughts. I really do not want to see other people at all, I only want to see him. I did try to spend time with other company (friends, ex-lovers, etc) though you can tell they have moved on and become wonderful human beings, some still want to talk to me as friends but I feel like I will bring them down further. Hence my next prospect. I said somethings I shouldn’t in the moment. These things I have said may have insinuated certain thoughts that may have been sewn in to the soil of his mind in what seems to be a life time ago, and now these thoughts may have grown again.

Is it because I’m lonely that I seek to just hurt the people who try to help me? All I do is take and take and I feel like the path I keep going on in order to try to be on equal ground with my love is causing me to hurt so many more people. I dont know what to do. At first I had butterflies just from seeing a person and having these conversations we shouldn’t even be having but you just keep going and you dont stop because it is in the heat of the moment. Then when it is over, you think, and you regret, and you tell yourself you shouldn’t lead people on in order for you take and then leave. I realize these butterflies were taken from their gardens. Without them their gardens will wither. I need to give these butterflies back and then go.

I am sorry for hurting you all.

Unedited. 2:33am.

Entry 1 – 3:22am

First, potential, daily entry about a human who is trying to fix her view of herself and her goal to experience pure bliss again.

Well this is my first “blog” post. I’m not sure if I want to describe it as that. A journal entry perhaps? I would like to keep this up every day if I could. This was more of a spontaneous decision. A place where maybe I can write my thoughts as they come. ¬†I am a person who has trouble with that. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and when they eventually come out of my mouth, it does not sound the way I want it to sound. Ideas and opinions get misinterpreted. “Word Vomit” as some people may call it, but more like that feeling where you really want to vomit but you cannot, the bile moves up and down from your stomach to your esophagus. I hope to change that one day. For now, I will talk about my day.

Please do not see this as a fascinating fashion or travel blog. Maybe one day I can share an experience like that one day, but I am not capable of those sorts of luxuries for now. Last night, I cried for possibly close to 5 hours (12am to 5am). Relationship issues, but to have those issues, you need to be in a relationship, left broken after three years. It is not his fault, I hurt him, things went sour, he tried his hardest to stay, but it did not work out. Call me crazy, but my heart belongs to him (is this turning into a relationship blog?), I am still hoping to get back with him, once we both figure out our paths (as he calls it, but no guarantees). Anyways, I cried watching this video he sent me a long time ago. He is quite amazing, he left to travel for a couple weeks, but knowing that I’d miss him, he created a couple of videos for me to watch while he was gone. He made them as little games, directed me to press pause at certain times so I had time to think of the answers. They were quotes from various tv shows, guess the song and which show it was from, him singing, and saying so many sweet things to me (take notes guys). He is the most wonderful man, but I got greedy and I hurt him in the worst way possible. I was thinking about that since last night and throughout the day. I did not want to talk to anyone. I had slept for most of the day in my comfy robe, did not shower for two days, my eyes were extremely puffy and I barely ate.

I don’t talk to many people. I keep my shortcomings and thoughts to myself. Apparently when I do communicate my thoughts they come out wrong, or I sound petty. I am alone almost everyday. I do not have any friends to just call up and ask for their time. This is because I feel like people are growing so much greater without me. They are turning into wonderful human beings when I am not around. I do not want to ruin that for others like what I did to my.. (love?). ¬†Everyone has their own lives now, I accepted that, but I sometimes wish people were there for me like I was for them at one time. I guess that was another time, when everyone was not as busy. I wasn’t much of a good friend back then anyway. I stayed home most of the time and went to school and went to work, after that I feel exhausted and I stay home, or I would have liked to have gone out but that would mean more fighting for the things I want. That is another thing, I am tired of fighting for things I think would make me happy. Guilt ruins it all.

I hope I don’t seem too selfish writing about me this whole time. I never have the opportunity to talk about myself to this length without the interruption of judgment and “advice”. Maybe this blog will be read, maybe not but here are my thoughts for the night. Unedited. It is now 3:50am.