Entry 3 – 2:18am

Contemplating my butterfly-stealing actions. Wondering if I continue to hurt those in my path.

I sat on my bed with a belly filled with butterflies. i was excited about a certain prospect. However, beneath all the butterflies lay the depths of my despair. I feel like I will be hurting two people now with my actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting people? I love him so much, but he left and he is looking at other people, constantly telling me that he’s there for me when he is the one that left. I don’t understand. Well, I do for the most part, I did hurt him. I deserve all I get, but my heart belongs to him and as selfish and as clingy as this sounds, he is mine.

To get back at the fact that he was seeing other people, and yes I am turning into one of those girls I absolutely hate. The ones who seek revenge. However, I am not seeking revenge. I just want to be on equal ground with him despite his thoughts. I really do not want to see other people at all, I only want to see him. I did try to spend time with other company (friends, ex-lovers, etc) though you can tell they have moved on and become wonderful human beings, some still want to talk to me as friends but I feel like I will bring them down further. Hence my next prospect. I said somethings I shouldn’t in the moment. These things I have said may have insinuated certain thoughts that may have been sewn in to the soil of his mind in what seems to be a life time ago, and now these thoughts may have grown again.

Is it because I’m lonely that I seek to just hurt the people who try to help me? All I do is take and take and I feel like the path I keep going on in order to try to be on equal ground with my love is causing me to hurt so many more people. I dont know what to do. At first I had butterflies just from seeing a person and having these conversations we shouldn’t even be having but you just keep going and you dont stop because it is in the heat of the moment. Then when it is over, you think, and you regret, and you tell yourself you shouldn’t lead people on in order for you take and then leave. I realize these butterflies were taken from their gardens. Without them their gardens will wither. I need to give these butterflies back and then go.

I am sorry for hurting you all.

Unedited. 2:33am.

Entry 2 – 2:20am

After an ex-(love)rs spat. I had that Katy Perry song, (“Hot and Cold”?) playing in head while writing this. If you had a headache due to the contradictory ramblings. I apologize.

So I went on a social media site and found that my … (love? ex?) is looking at other women. Before him, while I was with other people, I did not care who they look at and who they talk to. I knew it was temporary. Sure I was hurt when they leave but I got over it, pretty quickly I may add. Anyways this should not be a big deal right? Turns out it was, I was hurt, and the other day I was looking at the videos he sent me (See Entry 1). I guess this is what I get for hurting him.

Speaking of which, how do the guys you used to talk to or been with (ex’s, old “friends”) know when you’re recently “declared” single? I feel like some one tipped them off or they have this wierd sixth sense like some beeping radar or an email alert that just gives them this epiphany that it is okay to talk to you at this point in time. I would really love to write about this people, but maybe in a separate entry one day. They all have their good and their bad. I would like to just be friends with all of them. They have all accomplished so much and I know the least of their concerns is whether or not to end up with me. It is also strange. Do they really like talking to me? Or the fact that I listen? I also don’t understand why I was always so comfortable around them compared to other people. I’d like to understand that.

How do you know if you should work on yourself or move towards other “options”, temporary options (with mutual agreement ofcourse, as plutonic friends or colleagues or companionship or any other label). Why can’t one do both? I’m sure one does not have to designate themselves with one or the other. You can get a piece of something out of each option right? My (love) says he is searching for himself, but he is also hoping to be with another, either temporary or for the long term. He does not know if he ever wants to be with me. I want him to be with me, and my whole heart will always belong to him. I don’t think i am the same for him however, I don’t believe he thinks his heart belongs to me. He says he wants me to speak to him whenever I need him. Though even now, when I try to speak he has other things to worry about. He says I shouldn’t bug him about him talking to other girls, he’s right, I shouldn’t. So maybe I shouldn’t bug him anymore.

There are so many mixed feelings in a melting pot about boil over and it is hard to figure out what to do. I am working on myself, I am, but it is very difficult to be the person you once were when the year before taught you that you don’t deserve the good things in your life. That the year before taught you that you deserve to be alone. That you deserve to punish yourself for everything you have done to hurt someone so badly. He feels I don’t deserve his love. He wants to forget about me. He wants to do this own thing, meet more women, meet more friends. My best friend is in the same circle as his. I feel like I never belonged in his circle. I feel like the people that do belong in his circle are those that are better off without me. Maybe I should see the people I used to see, figure out how to belong somewhere because that is what I wanted all along. To belong somewhere. I belonged to my love, but I felt like I was never good enough to be a part of his world. I feel like everyone there is better off without me. So if he wants me to go, find myself, meet the men I met before. Fine. I just want to belong somewhere. At least for the time being. At least if he ever wants us to start all over again. He wants to see other women and be on his own, fine.

Belong somewhere, find myself, focus on myself, and be myself. If I say I want to talk to other people for the time being, so be it. I’m tired of the quotes saying you can be an “independent woman” “you dont need no man”, well sometimes you do, it is not a sign of weakness, it is something I am comfortable with, I am comfortable talking to the guys I used to talk to as well as compartmentalizing my feelings while talking to them. I’m strong for doing that. I’m strong for surviving this long all on my own. I’m tired of being in chains. If he loves me, I’ll welcome him with open arms. Until then, I cannot be by myself. I cannot be alone any longer. If he wants to look at other girls, and hope to have more beautiful female companions, while finding himself? Then that’s fine.

Unlike him perhaps, I love him so much. Maybe this entry is riddled with hypocracy and contradictory remarks but my thoughts are all over the place.

This is how it goes now as he says. So again if he’s doing the things he does…

Maybe it is time I do the same.

Unedited – 2:42am