I sat on my bed with a belly filled with butterflies. i was excited about a certain prospect. However, beneath all the butterflies lay the depths of my despair. I feel like I will be hurting two people now with my actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting people? I love him so much, but he left and he is looking at other people, constantly telling me that he’s there for me when he is the one that left. I don’t understand. Well, I do for the most part, I did hurt him. I deserve all I get, but my heart belongs to him and as selfish and as clingy as this sounds, he is mine.
To get back at the fact that he was seeing other people, and yes I am turning into one of those girls I absolutely hate. The ones who seek revenge. However, I am not seeking revenge. I just want to be on equal ground with him despite his thoughts. I really do not want to see other people at all, I only want to see him. I did try to spend time with other company (friends, ex-lovers, etc) though you can tell they have moved on and become wonderful human beings, some still want to talk to me as friends but I feel like I will bring them down further. Hence my next prospect. I said somethings I shouldn’t in the moment. These things I have said may have insinuated certain thoughts that may have been sewn in to the soil of his mind in what seems to be a life time ago, and now these thoughts may have grown again.
Is it because I’m lonely that I seek to just hurt the people who try to help me? All I do is take and take and I feel like the path I keep going on in order to try to be on equal ground with my love is causing me to hurt so many more people. I dont know what to do. At first I had butterflies just from seeing a person and having these conversations we shouldn’t even be having but you just keep going and you dont stop because it is in the heat of the moment. Then when it is over, you think, and you regret, and you tell yourself you shouldn’t lead people on in order for you take and then leave. I realize these butterflies were taken from their gardens. Without them their gardens will wither. I need to give these butterflies back and then go.
I am sorry for hurting you all.