Entry 3 – 2:18am

Contemplating my butterfly-stealing actions. Wondering if I continue to hurt those in my path.

I sat on my bed with a belly filled with butterflies. i was excited about a certain prospect. However, beneath all the butterflies lay the depths of my despair. I feel like I will be hurting two people now with my actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting people? I love him so much, but he left and he is looking at other people, constantly telling me that he’s there for me when he is the one that left. I don’t understand. Well, I do for the most part, I did hurt him. I deserve all I get, but my heart belongs to him and as selfish and as clingy as this sounds, he is mine.

To get back at the fact that he was seeing other people, and yes I am turning into one of those girls I absolutely hate. The ones who seek revenge. However, I am not seeking revenge. I just want to be on equal ground with him despite his thoughts. I really do not want to see other people at all, I only want to see him. I did try to spend time with other company (friends, ex-lovers, etc) though you can tell they have moved on and become wonderful human beings, some still want to talk to me as friends but I feel like I will bring them down further. Hence my next prospect. I said somethings I shouldn’t in the moment. These things I have said may have insinuated certain thoughts that may have been sewn in to the soil of his mind in what seems to be a life time ago, and now these thoughts may have grown again.

Is it because I’m lonely that I seek to just hurt the people who try to help me? All I do is take and take and I feel like the path I keep going on in order to try to be on equal ground with my love is causing me to hurt so many more people. I dont know what to do. At first I had butterflies just from seeing a person and having these conversations we shouldn’t even be having but you just keep going and you dont stop because it is in the heat of the moment. Then when it is over, you think, and you regret, and you tell yourself you shouldn’t lead people on in order for you take and then leave. I realize these butterflies were taken from their gardens. Without them their gardens will wither. I need to give these butterflies back and then go.

I am sorry for hurting you all.

Unedited. 2:33am.

What is Pure Bliss?

Thinking of it as Entry 1.5. My mind kept going back to this idea today. A simple yet challenging thing to decipher and desire.

What is pure bliss? – A challenge, especially if you do not want to research the definition on the internet.

Is it a sense of constant euphoria? A prolonged experience of happiness?

And what is happiness? The flow of dopamine running from the sensors of your brain to the rest of your body? When your face lights up and others can see the sparkles in your eyes?

What is pure bliss? – A challenge, especially if you do not want to research the definition on the internet. You do not want to research the definition on the internet because those are the words you want to set your sights on. Even though the internet changes constantly, even if certain ideals are not worded right and there are so many different perspectives on the matter, you are overwhelmed. You realize that those words are the ones you need to live up to, each and every one of those “definitions”, and you come to the point where you believe that if you didn’t experience one of those definitions and those definitions contradict with others, you may never have experienced bliss at all.

So don’t look up the meaning of the word. The words are a starting point, not the end to some goal. You realize that it may be something you cannot describe at all, not by words. It is a feeling. Words describe what we feel by what we may visualize. Words are a representation of what we visualize those worded feelings to be.

So what is pure bliss? Whatever your heart, brain, and body collectively desires in life. Your skin would feel warmth or chills. The beating of your heart would be calm or completely rapid. Your mind would be clear or running a million miles per hour. Whatever it is, the muscles in your face will unconsciously lift the corners of your lips. An involuntary smile. No matter the cause, that is the effect. The only ways you can visually describe bliss is with its cause and effect. However, that indescribable matter in between the cause and effect is something only you can understand. It is not something you can obtain, you can obtain the cause and effect but not that indescribable sensation in between.

It is because you are the bearers of that indescribable sensation in between the cause and effect, therefore it is only you who can experience and understand what pure bliss really is. Pure bliss needs to be unlocked with that cause and that effect of your involuntary smile will arrive again.

Final Note: The cause, the middle, and effect can be a fleeting moment, so appreciate the little things as often as you can.

Unedited thoughts. 4:27pm.