Unknowns

When things are off-limits, like an abandoned building, it’s intriguing, it piques one’s curiosity. It also alerts one to be cautious because this building is dangerous, inhabited with the unknown, who may be a danger to you, or the building may just fall apart, or the building is owned by someone else. It’s dangerous, it’s risky, but it’s intriguing, which makes it attractive? Which leads one to being curious and you really want to just open the door. However, once you open the door you see a stairwell that leads to another unknown. Its just a never ending door of unknowns. It’s like you’re looking into more darkness, not knowing what you’re sensing or feeling. You can’t tell right from wrong. You know what you really want but it will always be out of reach because it was in the door behind you. You want to go through that door. You cant find it, you probe and search and search some more in a vast wasteland of emptiness. And when you finally find that one door, that door that will give you all the happiness in the world. You have hope.

The door is locked. You need to find the key. You look through that vast wasteland again. You’re tired. Your body and mind aches. You find it. You have hope. 

There are two events: The key doesn’t fit; The key fits, doesn’t open because there is no door knob, the door says “push” you push, it doesn’t open, you want to do the opposite but you can’t because there is nothing for you to grip on to. 

You lose hope.

The door is closed.

Entry 3 – 2:18am

Contemplating my butterfly-stealing actions. Wondering if I continue to hurt those in my path.

I sat on my bed with a belly filled with butterflies. i was excited about a certain prospect. However, beneath all the butterflies lay the depths of my despair. I feel like I will be hurting two people now with my actions. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep hurting people? I love him so much, but he left and he is looking at other people, constantly telling me that he’s there for me when he is the one that left. I don’t understand. Well, I do for the most part, I did hurt him. I deserve all I get, but my heart belongs to him and as selfish and as clingy as this sounds, he is mine.

To get back at the fact that he was seeing other people, and yes I am turning into one of those girls I absolutely hate. The ones who seek revenge. However, I am not seeking revenge. I just want to be on equal ground with him despite his thoughts. I really do not want to see other people at all, I only want to see him. I did try to spend time with other company (friends, ex-lovers, etc) though you can tell they have moved on and become wonderful human beings, some still want to talk to me as friends but I feel like I will bring them down further. Hence my next prospect. I said somethings I shouldn’t in the moment. These things I have said may have insinuated certain thoughts that may have been sewn in to the soil of his mind in what seems to be a life time ago, and now these thoughts may have grown again.

Is it because I’m lonely that I seek to just hurt the people who try to help me? All I do is take and take and I feel like the path I keep going on in order to try to be on equal ground with my love is causing me to hurt so many more people. I dont know what to do. At first I had butterflies just from seeing a person and having these conversations we shouldn’t even be having but you just keep going and you dont stop because it is in the heat of the moment. Then when it is over, you think, and you regret, and you tell yourself you shouldn’t lead people on in order for you take and then leave. I realize these butterflies were taken from their gardens. Without them their gardens will wither. I need to give these butterflies back and then go.

I am sorry for hurting you all.

Unedited. 2:33am.

Entry 2 – 2:20am

After an ex-(love)rs spat. I had that Katy Perry song, (“Hot and Cold”?) playing in head while writing this. If you had a headache due to the contradictory ramblings. I apologize.

So I went on a social media site and found that my … (love? ex?) is looking at other women. Before him, while I was with other people, I did not care who they look at and who they talk to. I knew it was temporary. Sure I was hurt when they leave but I got over it, pretty quickly I may add. Anyways this should not be a big deal right? Turns out it was, I was hurt, and the other day I was looking at the videos he sent me (See Entry 1). I guess this is what I get for hurting him.

Speaking of which, how do the guys you used to talk to or been with (ex’s, old “friends”) know when you’re recently “declared” single? I feel like some one tipped them off or they have this wierd sixth sense like some beeping radar or an email alert that just gives them this epiphany that it is okay to talk to you at this point in time. I would really love to write about this people, but maybe in a separate entry one day. They all have their good and their bad. I would like to just be friends with all of them. They have all accomplished so much and I know the least of their concerns is whether or not to end up with me. It is also strange. Do they really like talking to me? Or the fact that I listen? I also don’t understand why I was always so comfortable around them compared to other people. I’d like to understand that.

How do you know if you should work on yourself or move towards other “options”, temporary options (with mutual agreement ofcourse, as plutonic friends or colleagues or companionship or any other label). Why can’t one do both? I’m sure one does not have to designate themselves with one or the other. You can get a piece of something out of each option right? My (love) says he is searching for himself, but he is also hoping to be with another, either temporary or for the long term. He does not know if he ever wants to be with me. I want him to be with me, and my whole heart will always belong to him. I don’t think i am the same for him however, I don’t believe he thinks his heart belongs to me. He says he wants me to speak to him whenever I need him. Though even now, when I try to speak he has other things to worry about. He says I shouldn’t bug him about him talking to other girls, he’s right, I shouldn’t. So maybe I shouldn’t bug him anymore.

There are so many mixed feelings in a melting pot about boil over and it is hard to figure out what to do. I am working on myself, I am, but it is very difficult to be the person you once were when the year before taught you that you don’t deserve the good things in your life. That the year before taught you that you deserve to be alone. That you deserve to punish yourself for everything you have done to hurt someone so badly. He feels I don’t deserve his love. He wants to forget about me. He wants to do this own thing, meet more women, meet more friends. My best friend is in the same circle as his. I feel like I never belonged in his circle. I feel like the people that do belong in his circle are those that are better off without me. Maybe I should see the people I used to see, figure out how to belong somewhere because that is what I wanted all along. To belong somewhere. I belonged to my love, but I felt like I was never good enough to be a part of his world. I feel like everyone there is better off without me. So if he wants me to go, find myself, meet the men I met before. Fine. I just want to belong somewhere. At least for the time being. At least if he ever wants us to start all over again. He wants to see other women and be on his own, fine.

Belong somewhere, find myself, focus on myself, and be myself. If I say I want to talk to other people for the time being, so be it. I’m tired of the quotes saying you can be an “independent woman” “you dont need no man”, well sometimes you do, it is not a sign of weakness, it is something I am comfortable with, I am comfortable talking to the guys I used to talk to as well as compartmentalizing my feelings while talking to them. I’m strong for doing that. I’m strong for surviving this long all on my own. I’m tired of being in chains. If he loves me, I’ll welcome him with open arms. Until then, I cannot be by myself. I cannot be alone any longer. If he wants to look at other girls, and hope to have more beautiful female companions, while finding himself? Then that’s fine.

Unlike him perhaps, I love him so much. Maybe this entry is riddled with hypocracy and contradictory remarks but my thoughts are all over the place.

This is how it goes now as he says. So again if he’s doing the things he does…

Maybe it is time I do the same.

Unedited – 2:42am

What is Pure Bliss?

Thinking of it as Entry 1.5. My mind kept going back to this idea today. A simple yet challenging thing to decipher and desire.

What is pure bliss? – A challenge, especially if you do not want to research the definition on the internet.

Is it a sense of constant euphoria? A prolonged experience of happiness?

And what is happiness? The flow of dopamine running from the sensors of your brain to the rest of your body? When your face lights up and others can see the sparkles in your eyes?

What is pure bliss? – A challenge, especially if you do not want to research the definition on the internet. You do not want to research the definition on the internet because those are the words you want to set your sights on. Even though the internet changes constantly, even if certain ideals are not worded right and there are so many different perspectives on the matter, you are overwhelmed. You realize that those words are the ones you need to live up to, each and every one of those “definitions”, and you come to the point where you believe that if you didn’t experience one of those definitions and those definitions contradict with others, you may never have experienced bliss at all.

So don’t look up the meaning of the word. The words are a starting point, not the end to some goal. You realize that it may be something you cannot describe at all, not by words. It is a feeling. Words describe what we feel by what we may visualize. Words are a representation of what we visualize those worded feelings to be.

So what is pure bliss? Whatever your heart, brain, and body collectively desires in life. Your skin would feel warmth or chills. The beating of your heart would be calm or completely rapid. Your mind would be clear or running a million miles per hour. Whatever it is, the muscles in your face will unconsciously lift the corners of your lips. An involuntary smile. No matter the cause, that is the effect. The only ways you can visually describe bliss is with its cause and effect. However, that indescribable matter in between the cause and effect is something only you can understand. It is not something you can obtain, you can obtain the cause and effect but not that indescribable sensation in between.

It is because you are the bearers of that indescribable sensation in between the cause and effect, therefore it is only you who can experience and understand what pure bliss really is. Pure bliss needs to be unlocked with that cause and that effect of your involuntary smile will arrive again.

Final Note: The cause, the middle, and effect can be a fleeting moment, so appreciate the little things as often as you can.

Unedited thoughts. 4:27pm.

Entry 1 – 3:22am

First, potential, daily entry about a human who is trying to fix her view of herself and her goal to experience pure bliss again.

Well this is my first “blog” post. I’m not sure if I want to describe it as that. A journal entry perhaps? I would like to keep this up every day if I could. This was more of a spontaneous decision. A place where maybe I can write my thoughts as they come.  I am a person who has trouble with that. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place and when they eventually come out of my mouth, it does not sound the way I want it to sound. Ideas and opinions get misinterpreted. “Word Vomit” as some people may call it, but more like that feeling where you really want to vomit but you cannot, the bile moves up and down from your stomach to your esophagus. I hope to change that one day. For now, I will talk about my day.

Please do not see this as a fascinating fashion or travel blog. Maybe one day I can share an experience like that one day, but I am not capable of those sorts of luxuries for now. Last night, I cried for possibly close to 5 hours (12am to 5am). Relationship issues, but to have those issues, you need to be in a relationship, left broken after three years. It is not his fault, I hurt him, things went sour, he tried his hardest to stay, but it did not work out. Call me crazy, but my heart belongs to him (is this turning into a relationship blog?), I am still hoping to get back with him, once we both figure out our paths (as he calls it, but no guarantees). Anyways, I cried watching this video he sent me a long time ago. He is quite amazing, he left to travel for a couple weeks, but knowing that I’d miss him, he created a couple of videos for me to watch while he was gone. He made them as little games, directed me to press pause at certain times so I had time to think of the answers. They were quotes from various tv shows, guess the song and which show it was from, him singing, and saying so many sweet things to me (take notes guys). He is the most wonderful man, but I got greedy and I hurt him in the worst way possible. I was thinking about that since last night and throughout the day. I did not want to talk to anyone. I had slept for most of the day in my comfy robe, did not shower for two days, my eyes were extremely puffy and I barely ate.

I don’t talk to many people. I keep my shortcomings and thoughts to myself. Apparently when I do communicate my thoughts they come out wrong, or I sound petty. I am alone almost everyday. I do not have any friends to just call up and ask for their time. This is because I feel like people are growing so much greater without me. They are turning into wonderful human beings when I am not around. I do not want to ruin that for others like what I did to my.. (love?).  Everyone has their own lives now, I accepted that, but I sometimes wish people were there for me like I was for them at one time. I guess that was another time, when everyone was not as busy. I wasn’t much of a good friend back then anyway. I stayed home most of the time and went to school and went to work, after that I feel exhausted and I stay home, or I would have liked to have gone out but that would mean more fighting for the things I want. That is another thing, I am tired of fighting for things I think would make me happy. Guilt ruins it all.

I hope I don’t seem too selfish writing about me this whole time. I never have the opportunity to talk about myself to this length without the interruption of judgment and “advice”. Maybe this blog will be read, maybe not but here are my thoughts for the night. Unedited. It is now 3:50am.